During the Portland Rewild Camp I felt anxiety about the ever-approaching nuclear disaster in Portland referred to as “Operation Noble Resolve.” Luckily Penny Scout; tracker of plants, showed me the great calming effects of Lemon Balm, a familiar friend you can find in practically anyones yard here in Portland. Doing my research on the plant, I found out that not only does it relieve you of anxiety and stomach craps but also works great for those who’ve acquired some civilized “fuck buddies,” …If you know what I mean.

My first experience with Lemon balm involved it destroying my garden, taking over what little plot I had made outside of my first apartment, “It smells like lemons. Why did it destroy my garden!?!” I didn’t know the name of the plant, nor what uses it had. For some reason I filed it away in my head as a useless weed. Of course, as I rewild I work diligently to destroy the civilized filing cabinet in my head of “useless weeds,” since every plant serves a purpose. So this week Penny Scout said, “Oh, no you didn’t!” and hit me over the head with her anti-civ sledge-hammer while informing me that Lemon Balm has many uses, and that I should do some more research on the plant.

Lemon balm will calm your nerves and relieve headaches, stomach tension problems, insomnia and it can help with herpes! All around, it will get you to chill the fuck out. And unlike pot, you don’t have to pay for it! Okay, so maybe it won’t calm you as much as pot. But still, just something to think about.

As an experiment Penny and I made some lemon balm soda, using steeped lemon balm leaves, some lime, some stevia for sweetener and some carbonated water. Ice that shit up, and you’ve got yourself a paleo-medicinal-relaxing soda:

So remember to stockpile plenty of lemon balm tea to help you stay chill, while you wait it out in your bomb-shelter!

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