Dear Urban Scout,I regularly think about every aspect of what my life will be like after the collapse of our civilization, and this is one of the questions that I have the most trouble with; when I’m done taking a big shit in the woods outside of Eugene, what do you suggest I wipe my ass with?

I receive this question almost as much as the sex one! Not that surprising I suppose, both feel like intimate challenges involving bodily fluids. Don’t worry! Many ways exist in order for you to wipe that bum of yours without making a bigger mess.

First off; sticks and leaves. I can see all of you cringing right now as you imagine a scratchy stick scraping across your asshole. Don’t act like such a ninny. You don’t have to do it rough… unless you like that sort of thing. But seriously, do it gently. Then use a leaf or three and wipe the rest. Remember, leaves have a different “ply” than toilet paper so again, do this carefully or the leaf will break and then you’ll have poopy fingers. Also, make sure you know what kind of leaf you picked. A poison oak ass will kill you in a post-apocalyptic world. I recommend meeting the Thimbleberry (aka “indian toilet paper,” or the more politically correct, “nature’s toilet paper”).

Second; rocks. A nice smooth rock can feel better even, than the thin, dry toilet paper you find at a public restroom or gas station. In fact I hear that some rich people have begun to use rocks to wipe their ass as a kind of therapy. Just kidding, but you can see it can’t you? Just think of it as giving yourself an unusual kind of healing… like a colonic.

Third; Moss. During the dry season, this may not feel so good, but moss has antiseptic qualities that can clean your ass as you wipe. Make sure you know which mosses (or club mosses?) have those qualities. And seriously, the dry season sucks. I tried to use some moss as a cum-rag once, and it failed miserably. I found bits of moss stuck to my junk for weeks!

Fourth: Snowballs!? Yeah. I thought so too. But make a nice compact snowball and you’ll have a soft, arousing ass-wipe… again, if you like that sort of thing. And just think how funny it will feel when you throw it at your worst enemy after you finish!

Fifth; improvise. Shells, cloth, cattail down, I don’t know… small furry woodland creatures?

Sixth; Diet. Diet. DIET! Yeah, you don’t often see coyotes wiping their butts do you? You don’t often see Robins wiping their butts do you? Can you think of any wild animal that wipes its ass? Okay, maybe dogs and cats can lick their own butts, but do they have to the way civilized people do? Just look at some coyote scat next to a domestic dogs shit and you’ll see what I mean. Humans, eating a natural, wild diet, do not have to wipe their ass as much. On the paleo diet, I often would wipe and see nothing on the toilet paper. Though once I added coffee to the mix… all bets fell off. If you eat a healthy diet without civilized drugs or medicine, you should only have to follow the five options above on rare occasions… I mean after your terrible, several week-long, diarrhea-heavy de-tox from a grain-based diet.

I have nothing else to say about that. Good luck wiping your ass! For more info on this topic I suggest you look at the book, “How to Shit in the Woods.”

If you have a question for me, send me an e-mail at urbanscout (at) gmail (dot) com.

**I wrote this blog using e-prime.**

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