When we no longer maintain a relationship with the spirits, the spirits have to eat our psyches. And when the spirits are done eating our psyches, they eat our bodies. And when they’re done with that, they move on to the people close to us. –Martin Prechtel
Waaah! I need money! Waaah! I drink too much! Waaah! Civ sucks. Yes, this last week I ranted, whined and bitched quite a bit didn’t I? I want to thank everyone for your words of encouragement and monetary advice. It has helped a lot actually. You may have wondered why I didn’t post this Saturday night like usual, and well your guess seems as good as mine. I woke up Sunday morning with some curious wounds on my body, and no memory of how they got there:
I never thought when I bought that vodka for tincture making, it would result in this. Though I don’t remember what happened, I luckily had friends who took care of me as best they could. I want to publicly talk about this, since I believe my struggle comes partly from living a life in civilization. Yes, I have a drinking problem. Yes, I struggle with alcoholism.
I won’t take you through my entire drinking history, but I’ll give you the brief run down. I got drunk for the first time on new years eve at 15 years old. I drank at parties and did stupid shit, but never too crazy. I quit drinking from around the age of 18-21 for moral reasons, not straight age, but kind of. I swore that I would not drink on my 21st birthday. I met a cute girl two days before and ended up getting wasted at a karaoke bar on my 21st. I started smoking that night, casually at bars and then about a year later during the day as well. From 21-24 I had several bad instances. Mostly they involved black outs and pissing the bed. The worst of that happened when I woke up standing in the living room at a house party with my dick in my hand, pissing on a couch. I quit drinking after that for 3 months. The day before my 24th birthday I convinced a stranger to punch me in the head. He boxed my ear and I went deaf in my left ear immediately, only to have it mostly come back in about 4 months. The next day on my birthday I got kicked out of a bar and walked home in the rain. The next week I blacked out at a wrap party and the producer had to walk me half way home. I quit drinking that day. I met Sasha a few weeks later, and she had also quit drinking so we bonded and helped each other stay sober.
I guess you probably know the rest. Sasha and I broke up, I got bored and lonely… and started drinking again. I blacked out two times this week, the last two times I have drank. After waking up bruised and burned, and hearing that I attacked my friends and put us all in jeopardy I no longer have a choice; from this day forward I will never again drink alcohol.
I liken drinking alcohol in my case to playing russian roulette. I may as well, because once I have that first drink all bets fade away and I have no choice over how much I drink. If alcohol presents itself, I will drink my way to oblivion and take everyone who really cares with me. I have a choice, yes or no. Yes means I could wake up with a slight hang over or I could wake up with bruises… or I could not wake up at all. I no longer want to gamble with my life.
Instead I will pour my energy into this project, and into feeding the other world so that it does not feed on me through Martin Prechtel style ritual. I feel so lucky to have the support of family, friends and fans. Thank you so much everyone! I planned to write more about alcoholism and addictions, but I think the Martin interview linked above explains it all.
I’ll work more on the laundry list in a bit, but Penny Scout just surprisingly showed up on my doorstep, so I’ve got to go! Let’s toast (water?) to a sober and happy and ritually fed existence.
8 responses to “Week15: High Spirits or Hungry Ghosts?”
Penny at the door? That sounds like a nice reward for a good decision that the My-Name-Is-Earl-style karma has sent your way.
When I saw her name on the Portland Rewild Camp roster, I thought, “Hmmm. Maybe their stars will get to cross some more.” And I felt happy for you two.
Try some plantain on those wounds it has worked wonders on my lacerations. I highly recommend it.
And as for drunken bodily functions in public: my first time to get drunk I took a shit on the main pedestrian bridge at my college. Fortunately, my good friend was there to hand me some sycamore leaves.
Give the spirits some grief/praise to eat so they don’t have to munch down your psyche.
Thankfully, I saw in my stepfather all the problems with excessive drinking, and It convinced me not to overindulge. Everytime I have drank, I’ve would up commiting crime. I have few inhibitions. The ones I have are there for a good reason.
I wish you all the luck in the world staying sober. Quitting an addiction is hard. A single declaration of intent is worthless in this context. It’s to easy to fall off, feel bad, and declare “I quit” again. Quitting a vice not something that happens when you declare it. You can only know you’ve done it in hindsight, when you have not indulged for a long time and no longer feel the need to. Quitting takes more commitment than marriage.
Man, I struggle getting through the day without a coffee and a beer. OK for money the last few months since I’ve been working but decided not to go back on Monday. What to give up – the coffee or the beer or both? Figured I’ll have more time for bike cruising even though this Auckland weather is getting me down. At least the library is warm, has free internet and Bukowski in the basement. I’ll drink to that.
Congratulations. You are very brave.
I don’t share my inappropriate drunken peeing stories (nor my inappropriate drunken dick-in-hand stories) in public much, but I know that it takes balls (or whatever) to own it, and then to do something about it, and then to tell other people that you’ve committed to doing something about it.
[…] Things have been quiet for a few months for Penny’s male counterpart, Urban Scout, whose battle with alcoholism has been well publicized. “Because of his own struggles he may be able to direct her to some valuable resources as well as offer the support she needs to quit an addiction,†states substance abuse counselor, Dr. Curtis Dre.** […]
oh, man, thanks for sharing this with me. i’ve been out of touch so long. i am grateful you are doing well. i just celebrated 23 years off the stuff (my drug of choice was IV meth)and am grateful to have made it out with my life.
do what it takes to keep your life, and your sanity. we need you.
love ya.
oh, yeah, i did a recent blog post about my addiction, too.
http://twokniveskatie.blogspot.com/2008/02/its-zen-thing.html
and there is a post about how i got the name twoknives which might interest you…..:-)
Yeah, thanks for sharing…I can’t drink anymore for similar reasons…mostly I’m an angry drunk who tends to attack family and friends with evil aquisations; or I get into bike accidents, or just do stupid, risky things (example, swimming in a public foutain in downtown Pittsburgh once..)
I have a glutein allergy anyway, so drinking leaves me feeling really terrible…I’ve decided I have better things to do with my time/money at this point in my life anyway..such as learning herbal medicine…
Thanks for sharing Scout! I’m enjoying your blog immensily! Can’t wait to take a Sunday School class…